I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
