if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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