walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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