booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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