You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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