when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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