I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
