Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
