This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
