Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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