My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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