I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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