last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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