I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
