After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
