How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
