his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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