they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
