I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize