She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dicks are not precious.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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