if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
