its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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