Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
