I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
