Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
