I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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