You made me cry and you don't even care
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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