Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize