It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
