Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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