I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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