Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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