you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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