Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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