My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize