he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
