Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize