life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
