I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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