I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
