between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
