He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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