the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
