it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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