i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I still have a little drunk in my system
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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