i was born a porn star she said
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
