My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
