I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
