I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
