I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
