I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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