Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
