i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I deserve to be covered in dicks
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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