my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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