All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
